Ahhhhh

Ahhhh. Yes ahhh. I have been SO busy with my freelance writing on the side but fret not, I am back. Kind of. Anyhow, I disappeared because I was working on my freelance portfolio. Freelance writing sure as hell isn’t easy, but I must, if I plan on taking my writing seriously. But I also want to finish my books soon. However, I’m starting a blog emusaurus.com then again I FREAKING LOVE EMUS. I’m going to try to distance myself far from the brand as I possibly can. The reason being that I hate mixing my own personal life with work stuff.

Anyhow, check out emusaurus.com (even though I haven’t added anything on that site as of yet) or add my emusaurus instagram @ emusaur_ ! If you’d like to check out my random poetry it’s at the instagram handle of @writingsbyannie. When I’m able to afford more in regards to food, I plan on starting an NYC food based blog but that’ll be along the way.

I do want to write more lifestyle blog based posts however, I’m trying to also publish those on other platforms just because. But once I start having more topics on mind I’ll put them up here. I’m just all over the place and have a lot to talk about BUT that will happen when my life is more in order than it is now. I swear I haven’t died (well at not literally) but I’ll get to other ways I’ve died in the past few weeks in more detail later. That’ll be another issue that (although personal) I’ll share because I want people to feel like they can relate. And that’s only because I know I’m not the *only* one who is going through the situation I’m going through. BUT I SWEAR I DON’T HAVE THAT MANY PROBLEMS lol.

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WOW

Just going through my old blog posts I had a lot going on in the past. While I don’t really mind the intensity of my blog posts, I’m a light hearted person for the most part. I like keeping things “airy” and fun. It isn’t to say that I’m not happy with the quality of my writing but I let negativity get the best of me and affect me. But hey, you live and you learn! I’ve been working on my poetry Instagram more often and I started keeping up with my NYC based Instagram. (Hopefully I’ll begin working on that blog more too as it would help immensely with my writing portfolio.) From here on in, however, I plan on making my posts more “fun” and less downtrodden.

I cannot wait to write Alpacasaur as another addition to Spidercorn. I’m surprised that people even bought Spidercorn but it goes to show you anything can sell online. Plus it was something I just wrote for no reason in particular. Also Rats of NYC zine will be out soon, it’s a zine that’s about the rats that inhabit NYC and just silly random facts. I’ll put up a link to buy them online (or if you want to check them out and put out a good word about them, I’ll mail it your way for promo purposes!)

Anyhow I’ll put up some more new work soon enough! I hope everyone is alive and well from the last time I was around!

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Spidercorn Merch & updates

Guys, I put up some Spidercorn merch on teespring. If you’d like to have a little bit of Spidercorn feel free to buy some stuff! Here’s the link to it https://teespring.com/based-on-the-best-seller-spide you can purchase some stickers or a shirt. I’m also going to come out with this lovely book soon called Alpacasaur because I love alpacas. While I love all animals, alpacas have a special place in my heart because of their faces being SO adorable. ALSO I have to update this site but new instagram for poetry is instagram.com/writingsbyannie. I have a few more projects coming out. However, I’ll actually post them instead of writing about them.

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Wasting time

I’m a calm and forgiving person, because I know life gets in the way from time to time. But what I absolutely cannot stand is when people take advantage of my kindness and patience. The most ultimate sign of disrespect to me is wasting time. Time is the one thing that people can never get back, which is why it’s so important. I try to make time for everyone important in my life. When I do take time out, I value them. My kindness has let people stay in my life despite them having no respect for my time whatsoever. I understand if people are busy but if they don’t have the decency to tell me ahead of time, it’s a sure way to make me dislike you.  If someone is too “busy” to make plans, then simply DON’T make plans.

I only dislike a few people and that’s because of entitlement they believe they possess. We all have lives we have to tend to but I thoroughly believe that if someone values you, they will make time for you. They will not come up with excuses of how “busy” they are. If ER doctors can make plans with people they can, surely anyone can. And that’s something I will continue believing. However, it’s fine if someone doesn’t prioritize someone over other things they deem to be important. I get it, there are other things that are far more important to others over said person. That’s fair, we all have things we prefer doing over others.

However, to blatantly disregard the feelings of another person is downright rude. To make plans only to cancel last minute, shows how much someone doesn’t value the time they took out. That’s also why I cut out people from my life, if they choose to act that way. I’d like to think I’m a forgiving person because I understand things do happen but when this becomes a constant then I’m done. There’s only so much patience a person has and I’ve come to the point where I’m legitimately not willing to give second chances anymore.

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Why I became a writer

When we’re younger we’re asked, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” We dream up all these ideas of what we want to do without reservations. Then as we grow we seem to forget what we’re happiest doing. That’s probably because we all want to fit in. Then when we’re of age we question ourselves again asking what it is we’re happiest doing? Some of us chase the option of money, some of us chase whatever the newest trend is. Most of us forget what we said when we were children, some of us doubt our choices. Most of us doubt ourselves because we’re not sure if our childhood dream can become reality.

I always enjoyed writing, it’s something I’m passionate about. Growing up I wasn’t the strongest in my writing skills but I wrote nonetheless. I used to write a lot of poetry and still do to this day from time to time. I still keep a journal even if I feel embarrassing mentioning the fact that I journal. Journaling is good for mental wellbeing and I stand by that.

The reason I enjoy writing is I get to share a creative viewpoint with the world, even if it might be about the most mundane thoughts.

I firmly believe in the statement, “the pen is mightier than the sword,” and it holds true. In times of trouble, it’s usually writers that hold the most power. Not because they have any affiliation with any party but because words can affect people on a mass scale. I could get into technical terms such as religion and philosophies. Words can motivate people to fight for a cause or fight against a cause. It’s also why we have to allow artistic expression from all sides of the world because if we’re only told one side of a story how can we understand the other perspective.

The reason I became a writer was to make an impact. I write on blogs from time to time to share my experiences with the world. If someone can read my writing and say, hey I know this time for me is difficult but I can make it through. Or “I’m not alone and I can get through this”. That’s my ultimate goal with writing is to inspire others to lead a better life for themselves and the world around them.

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Circumstances

It’s insane how easily things can change in a small period of time. I learned more about myself in a matter of two weeks in 2017 compared to 2016. (I’ve yet to write that post about “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” and I will!) Anyway, so much is going on. But busy is a bullshit excuse unless you have the proof for it. I’ve learned so much about people in my life than I ever did before.

Lessons I learned from the Internet AND people. Actions will ALWAYS speak louder than words. Someone can say they care for you but if they make no effort, it’s shows how much of a priority you are. If someone makes you feel crazy, then step away. You may not be able to control other people’s actions BUT you can control how much influence they have in your life. I learned that the hard way. If someone makes you feel insane then maybe it’s best that they’re not present in your life.

As you get older, it’s kind of depressing how few people you’ll actually have a connection with. But you do learn to value those close to you. However, life happens, people change. I will forever appreciate those who make time for me.

You show where people stand in your life by showing how much effort you put into maintaining contact with them.

It really comes down to that. It’s easy to find people who’ll be there for you during easy times but finding people who accept your flaws. It took me forever to realize who’s good company. Something I struggled with people about personally, was setting boundaries with people. I was one who would wear my heart on my sleeve around all the wrong sorts of people. Whenever someone pushed me away I would chase harder. I think that’s human nature to some extent. But if someone pushes you away, you can either make yourself seem desperate for their attention. Or you can gather yourself together and accept their behaviors for their face value. Not to make excuses but to stand up for your own self worth.

We can keep searching for approval but if we can’t be ourselves around the ones we care about then are they really there for us. It’s hard being vulnerable especially since everyone wants to be “strong.” But we’re humans and we do experience times of vulnerability. And the people who are there for us when we’re an emotional mess are the ones who are truly valuable.

Every day should be a day to learn more about yourself. And for someone who has difficultly with resolutions, I think I’m doing pretty well. At least with the resolution that matters and that’s to take care of myself first,

And for once in my life I can say I’m pretty damn content with where I am. Things may not be perfect and I’m nowhere close to where I want to be but socially, I’m grateful for the people I consider close to me.

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Positivity

Ever since reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, I’ve learned one thing. People are obsessed with positivity. While there’s nothing wrong with positivity the problem is we’re told that there should be no room for negative emotions. We’re all humans and feeling sad/upset is something we will all feel. To ignore it and force ourselves into being positive all the time, ultimately, is a way to avoid feeling. It’s a way to avoid our own problems. I would know because I tended to be an escapist when it came to feelings.

But now I’ve come to accept the fact that not everything will be dandy all the time. And there’s not much I can do about it. I try to be a positive person for the most part but sometimes there will be times where I’ll feel like crap. But it happens. How can we accept true happiness without having some adversity in our life. Because once everything goes right or we don’t have any other problems in our life, we’ll find other things to nitpick at or complain about. Truth is we are always going to have problems but we have to find out what problems are worth having. The only problem with the positivity obsession is ignoring the problem at hand. How else will we create a better future for ourselves if we don’t recognize that everything isn’t okay.

Positivity is great when it isn’t being used to avoid problems. And that’s the whole problem with all this positivity talk is that there will be times when things will suck. But without those times we won’t appreciate the good.

All in all, hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

If we can accept that there will be times where positivity won’t always be there, it’ll be a little easier on us when things do go bad.

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Fixation

I’m back from the dead!

This week has been all sorts of craziness and productiveness. Started a few books/almost finished with them. I forgot to upload a video blog but tomorrow hopefully! In order to catch up for the lack of posts this week, I’ll be posting daily for the next two weeks.

So this post is about fixating on things. Usually I let my anxiety get the best of me and fixate on things out of my control. However, this time I’m fixating on something healthy. Which is to better myself and push myself out of my tiny bubble. This is more of an update post but I’m also going to post something else along with this blog post.

I ended up taking a goal setting/accountability course, courtesy of One Month because I took a few coding classes online with them. I have kind of a love hate relationship with web development. It tends to be really tedious which makes it frustrating at time though, which explains the *dislike* part about it.

Anyway, the course for goal setting was super helpful in that it taught me to narrow down my goals into more achievable tiny goals. 

So goals for this year?

  • Publish my books
  • Blog consistently
  • Finish these Udemy courses I have
  • Become a somewhat proficient web developer
  • Fully immerse myself in freelance writing
  • Submit a few personal essays to reputable sites
  • Travel outside of NYC
  • Finish reading every book on my Kindle

I think those are attainable goals. So now my ultimate fixation is on myself rather than on situations that are out of my control. Here’s to hoping for a better future!

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Overwhelmed

I tend to overwhelm myself emotionally from time to time. It isn’t that I don’t want to live an emotionally exuberant life. It’s just that whenever I do want to experience everything, it gets a bit frustrating for me to handle. That’s natural though isn’t it?  The thing about wanting to experience everything is that I become overwhelmed. It’s easy to experience life when you can step away from something and observe it objectively. The harder task is to actually involve yourself emotionally and immerse yourself in it. I have no idea what I’m going on about with this post but here I am writing it.

I’ve been attempting to adapt the whole “let yourself feel” mentality. That’s something that’s hard for me to do considering that I’m the queen of running away from negativity. I’m the kind of person who believes in not letting anyone see your bad side. The kind of person who always tries to remain positive all the time no matter what.

And truthfully it’s far easier to pretend everything is okay instead of looking back and saying, “wow, everything is not okay.”

Pretending to be optimistic all the time is something that’s a kind of a high. (Yet again referencing that wonderful book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”.) Truth is I’m acknowledging that I’m hiding behind these positive emotions as a coping mechanism. Albeit an unhealthy mechanism because I know I’m running away from acknowledging that there is a problem.

(Also thank you, thank you, thank you Yoast for your readability analysis. I know I struggle with using passive voice in my writing and this plug-in has worked wonders for me!)

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. I’m trying hard to immerse myself in feeling upset or any negative emotion because I shouldn’t be ashamed of feeling. The reason why I want to be able to not run away from these emotions is because I want to find the cause of it. Negative emotions are there for a reason, to let you know there is something that isn’t right. That change needs to be implemented. Obviously, we can’t control our external environments but we can try our best to learn to find the root of these emotions and whether or not they’re going to bring positive change. Positive emotions are an outcome of overcoming events. They’re rewards for our behavioral changes and whatnot.

I need to take some time away, reevaluate what’s working and what’s not. If something isn’t working, then I need to figure out what should be done. That is after all the whole purpose of self-care and self-help. I also need to remember that my problems aren’t unique or the end of the world, because problems come and go. That’s also why it’s sometimes healthier to just take a step back and breathe.

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