I have the tendency to hoard. Not material things but more like keeping anyone I get in contact with in my life. Hoarding isn’t something I’m proud of because I know it’s unhealthy. I think I hoard people because I want to remain on good terms with everyone. Truth is, you can never be on good terms with everyone. Also that the quote that went something like “if you try to make everyone happy, you’ll only make yourself miserable,” is true. It isn’t to say that people are selfish but in order to succeed you have to put yourself first.
While I’m someone who is/was a people pleaser, the reality of the world is that being a people pleaser only hurts you. How I plan on overcoming that, is learning to prioritize where to place my care and energy. Now prioritizing stuff is hard, especially when you’re completely content with your situation. No matter how much you want things to remain positive, if you try to avoid the negative, it will bite you in the ass at some point. It hurts, cutting people out of my life because I REALLY do want to be on good terms with everyone. But I also know it pains me to keep some people because of the memories associated with them. And do we need a constant reminder of what went wrong? I don’t think so. It’s also of no help keeping negative people around no matter how long you’ve known them.
The problem with cutting people you know for a while is you end up feeling bad about it.
Even when you know it’s beneficial for your own wellbeing. I hate how much importance is placed on social media but it is important to many, including myself. And I hate the fact that I place value on it. It’s also why I don’t add people I’m seeing on social media because I don’t want them to know about my life. I’ll only add someone on social media is if they’re committed to me. Is it irrational? Who knows, but I know what works for me. I think what scares me about cutting people out of my life is that if they seem to notice, what will I tell them? How will I confront them about it and even thinking about that gives me anxiety. But then I have to remind myself that I don’t have to keep anyone in my life if I don’t want to.
2016 was a year I learned what works and what doesn’t work. And even though I feel the compulsive need to be on everyone’s good side, I have to stop myself. Because at the end of the day, no matter who you are, we all have to take care of ourselves first. And that is going to be hard to do when you give all the fucks in the world about what people think BUT it’s a journey well worth going through.