Circumstances

It’s insane how easily things can change in a small period of time. I learned more about myself in a matter of two weeks in 2017 compared to 2016. (I’ve yet to write that post about “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” and I will!) Anyway, so much is going on. But busy is a bullshit excuse unless you have the proof for it. I’ve learned so much about people in my life than I ever did before.

Lessons I learned from the Internet AND people. Actions will ALWAYS speak louder than words. Someone can say they care for you but if they make no effort, it’s shows how much of a priority you are. If someone makes you feel crazy, then step away. You may not be able to control other people’s actions BUT you can control how much influence they have in your life. I learned that the hard way. If someone makes you feel insane then maybe it’s best that they’re not present in your life.

As you get older, it’s kind of depressing how few people you’ll actually have a connection with. But you do learn to value those close to you. However, life happens, people change. I will forever appreciate those who make time for me.

You show where people stand in your life by showing how much effort you put into maintaining contact with them.

It really comes down to that. It’s easy to find people who’ll be there for you during easy times but finding people who accept your flaws. It took me forever to realize who’s good company. Something I struggled with people about personally, was setting boundaries with people. I was one who would wear my heart on my sleeve around all the wrong sorts of people. Whenever someone pushed me away I would chase harder. I think that’s human nature to some extent. But if someone pushes you away, you can either make yourself seem desperate for their attention. Or you can gather yourself together and accept their behaviors for their face value. Not to make excuses but to stand up for your own self worth.

We can keep searching for approval but if we can’t be ourselves around the ones we care about then are they really there for us. It’s hard being vulnerable especially since everyone wants to be “strong.” But we’re humans and we do experience times of vulnerability. And the people who are there for us when we’re an emotional mess are the ones who are truly valuable.

Every day should be a day to learn more about yourself. And for someone who has difficultly with resolutions, I think I’m doing pretty well. At least with the resolution that matters and that’s to take care of myself first,

And for once in my life I can say I’m pretty damn content with where I am. Things may not be perfect and I’m nowhere close to where I want to be but socially, I’m grateful for the people I consider close to me.

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Love and All That BS

I’ve been working on this post for a while trying to gather my thoughts on what I feel love is. Obviously this post is going to be subjective but here goes.

Love is something where I feel I can be optimistic about yet cynical about. It isn’t to say that I don’t want to “fall in love” but let’s be honest here. “Falling in love” is hard to do. You have to find the right person and more often than not you’ll fall for the wrong person. I feel like a downer when I write about love but I’m skeptical about it. Maybe it’s because I’ve never experienced love in a romantic sense. I’ve felt strong infatuation but never love in the sense where I feel like it’s the end of the world. And truthfully, even infatuation hurts like hell when you’re the only one reciprocating feelings.

This concept of romantic love for some reason is supposed to be this thing you feel you live for. Maybe it is, but I’m cynical, I just feel like as much as we romanticize love it isn’t always going to be that way. I realized that love comes in many shapes and forms. What works for your friends and family won’t necessarily work for you. Thing is we’re all told that if you don’t have a certain brand of love you haven’t lived.

But that also limits us from really experiencing the love that may be right for us.

I have the tendency to compare what love is seeing how the people in my life experience their relationships even though I know everyone is different. While I consider myself a hopeless romantic, I think I’m more of a hopeless romantic in the sense of friendship. But it’s difficult in that situation, I want a natural ease of conversation, someone I can chill with and just enjoy their company. See thing is I believe romantic gestures mean so much more when you’re comfortable with someone and you both reciprocate the feeling.

I had a post from a long while back which touched upon the proximity of love. It was based on the whole Jess/Nick slash CeCe/Schmidt and Ted/Robin conundrum from New Girl and HIMYM. It was on how sometimes the people we find ourselves spending the most time with are the ones we end up falling for. And the reason I bought these examples up was because personality wise they’re really incompatible but because of how much time they spend with one another they grow to care for each other. While this isn’t the case all the time it does happen. It’s also why I feel the best relationships form out of being friends with someone. You get to see a person with their flaws and all and still want to be around them.

But obviously there has to be a decision for both of them to decide their feelings for one another, otherwise it’s just unrequited love.

All in all, it’s why I think the best relationships come out of friendships because you know how the person is. It isn’t to say dating isn’t necessarily ineffective. However, with something like friendship and attraction in the mix it can lead to something that’s more likely to work. In dating, we all put on these facades of who we are to impress the other person. While when romance grows organically it comes to be something bigger than that (at least how I see it).

Romantic gestures always mean more when you know a person compared to when you don’t.

And romantic gestures don’t have to be grandiose. But everyone has their perspective of what ideal love is. I don’t consider myself to be a romantic person in regards to how people show off on Facebook/social media or the movies. But I do consider myself romantic in that if I’m with someone I genuinely care about. They’ll be the one I’ll fight the world for. And in that regard I am a lover and a fighter because I don’t think I’d give up on love that easily.

 

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Magic

Does that spark exist?

I’d like to think so. By spark I mean, in an instant you cross paths and your eyes meet, making your heart skip a beat. I think that only happened twice in my life. It’s actually kind of depressing, knowing that these moments are ever so rare. At least at first glance they are. It may be the foolish hopeless romantic in me for hoping for that spark but one can dream.

For some reason, the cynic in me tells me that I shouldn’t bother but the optimist in me tells me to go forth. If you want to find that “you know” feeling, there’s always a risk of getting hurt. It’s terrifying when feelings are involved. Are we chasing after an illusion of a spark? I wish I was “hopeless romantic” enough that I didn’t try to make logic out of feelings. It’s also why I don’t open up emotionally and can detach myself easily. Not sure if that’s something to wear with pride or hide from everyone.

Thing about feelings is that when you share emotional vulnerability, it’s the ultimate act of trust. People can do anything physically yet involving emotional depth to any physical act will make it more meaningful. And that’s the problem, most people are afraid of that. While it’ll provide an unparalleled high, the lows can bring you to a feeling worse than death (or so we feel). It’s also why we settle for mediocrity, because at least mediocrity won’t hurt us. At least not in the way that the “spark” would. It wouldn’t lead us into ecstacy the way the drugs let people feel that high and then feel our world crashing down.

Is it worth the risk?

That’s something that most of us are afraid of. What if it fails, what if it isn’t everything we hoped it would be? So we detach, we convince ourselves that feeling numb is better than the pain that would happen from taking a chance. Who doesn’t wish they didn’t get hurt? No one, but it’s those experiences that do shape us into the person we are. Drawing us closer to the magic moments that we’re secretly hoping for. Not the Disney romance but our own idealized version of what love is.

Someone, that even when it’s bad, it’s good.

And that’s all we can genuinely hope for. Is that magic, maybe not at first sight, but the magic that reminds us that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

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