Fixation

I’m back from the dead!

This week has been all sorts of craziness and productiveness. Started a few books/almost finished with them. I forgot to upload a video blog but tomorrow hopefully! In order to catch up for the lack of posts this week, I’ll be posting daily for the next two weeks.

So this post is about fixating on things. Usually I let my anxiety get the best of me and fixate on things out of my control. However, this time I’m fixating on something healthy. Which is to better myself and push myself out of my tiny bubble. This is more of an update post but I’m also going to post something else along with this blog post.

I ended up taking a goal setting/accountability course, courtesy of One Month because I took a few coding classes online with them. I have kind of a love hate relationship with web development. It tends to be really tedious which makes it frustrating at time though, which explains the *dislike* part about it.

Anyway, the course for goal setting was super helpful in that it taught me to narrow down my goals into more achievable tiny goals. 

So goals for this year?

  • Publish my books
  • Blog consistently
  • Finish these Udemy courses I have
  • Become a somewhat proficient web developer
  • Fully immerse myself in freelance writing
  • Submit a few personal essays to reputable sites
  • Travel outside of NYC
  • Finish reading every book on my Kindle

I think those are attainable goals. So now my ultimate fixation is on myself rather than on situations that are out of my control. Here’s to hoping for a better future!

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Love and All That BS

I’ve been working on this post for a while trying to gather my thoughts on what I feel love is. Obviously this post is going to be subjective but here goes.

Love is something where I feel I can be optimistic about yet cynical about. It isn’t to say that I don’t want to “fall in love” but let’s be honest here. “Falling in love” is hard to do. You have to find the right person and more often than not you’ll fall for the wrong person. I feel like a downer when I write about love but I’m skeptical about it. Maybe it’s because I’ve never experienced love in a romantic sense. I’ve felt strong infatuation but never love in the sense where I feel like it’s the end of the world. And truthfully, even infatuation hurts like hell when you’re the only one reciprocating feelings.

This concept of romantic love for some reason is supposed to be this thing you feel you live for. Maybe it is, but I’m cynical, I just feel like as much as we romanticize love it isn’t always going to be that way. I realized that love comes in many shapes and forms. What works for your friends and family won’t necessarily work for you. Thing is we’re all told that if you don’t have a certain brand of love you haven’t lived.

But that also limits us from really experiencing the love that may be right for us.

I have the tendency to compare what love is seeing how the people in my life experience their relationships even though I know everyone is different. While I consider myself a hopeless romantic, I think I’m more of a hopeless romantic in the sense of friendship. But it’s difficult in that situation, I want a natural ease of conversation, someone I can chill with and just enjoy their company. See thing is I believe romantic gestures mean so much more when you’re comfortable with someone and you both reciprocate the feeling.

I had a post from a long while back which touched upon the proximity of love. It was based on the whole Jess/Nick slash CeCe/Schmidt and Ted/Robin conundrum from New Girl and HIMYM. It was on how sometimes the people we find ourselves spending the most time with are the ones we end up falling for. And the reason I bought these examples up was because personality wise they’re really incompatible but because of how much time they spend with one another they grow to care for each other. While this isn’t the case all the time it does happen. It’s also why I feel the best relationships form out of being friends with someone. You get to see a person with their flaws and all and still want to be around them.

But obviously there has to be a decision for both of them to decide their feelings for one another, otherwise it’s just unrequited love.

All in all, it’s why I think the best relationships come out of friendships because you know how the person is. It isn’t to say dating isn’t necessarily ineffective. However, with something like friendship and attraction in the mix it can lead to something that’s more likely to work. In dating, we all put on these facades of who we are to impress the other person. While when romance grows organically it comes to be something bigger than that (at least how I see it).

Romantic gestures always mean more when you know a person compared to when you don’t.

And romantic gestures don’t have to be grandiose. But everyone has their perspective of what ideal love is. I don’t consider myself to be a romantic person in regards to how people show off on Facebook/social media or the movies. But I do consider myself romantic in that if I’m with someone I genuinely care about. They’ll be the one I’ll fight the world for. And in that regard I am a lover and a fighter because I don’t think I’d give up on love that easily.

 

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Hoarding

I have the tendency to hoard. Not material things but more like keeping anyone I get in contact with in my life. Hoarding isn’t something I’m proud of because I know it’s unhealthy. I think I hoard people because I want to remain on good terms with everyone. Truth is, you can never be on good terms with everyone. Also that the quote that went something like “if you try to make everyone happy, you’ll only make yourself miserable,” is true. It isn’t to say that people are selfish but in order to succeed you have to put yourself first.

While I’m someone who is/was a people pleaser, the reality of the world is that being a people pleaser only hurts you. How I plan on overcoming that, is learning to prioritize where to place my care and energy. Now prioritizing stuff is hard, especially when you’re completely content with your situation. No matter how much you want things to remain positive, if you try to avoid the negative, it will bite you in the ass at some point. It hurts, cutting people out of my life because I REALLY do want to be on good terms with everyone. But I also know it pains me to keep some people because of the memories associated with them. And do we need a constant reminder of what went wrong? I don’t think so. It’s also of no help keeping negative people around no matter how long you’ve known them.

The problem with cutting people you know for a while is you end up feeling bad about it.

Even when you know it’s beneficial for your own wellbeing. I hate how much importance is placed on social media but it is important to many, including myself. And I hate the fact that I place value on it. It’s also why I don’t add people I’m seeing on social media because I don’t want them to know about my life. I’ll only add someone on social media is if they’re committed to me. Is it irrational? Who knows, but I know what works for me. I think what scares me about cutting people out of my life is that if they seem to notice, what will I tell them? How will I confront them about it and even thinking about that gives me anxiety. But then I have to remind myself that I don’t have to keep anyone in my life if I don’t want to.

2016 was a year I learned what works and what doesn’t work. And even though I feel the compulsive need to be on everyone’s good side, I have to stop myself. Because at the end of the day, no matter who you are, we all have to take care of ourselves first. And that is going to be hard to do when you give all the fucks in the world about what people think BUT it’s a journey well worth going through.

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New Years Resolutions and All That Stuff

I personally love New Years because it gives that illusion that we have a clean slate. I personally love any shot at being able to start things anew. But I’ve also learned to adapt that mind into every day. For instance, every new day is a chance at something new, why use New Years as a motivation (just like EVERYONE else). But why not, right? I honestly don’t care if people hate that whole “new year, new me” stuff. Who the hell are they to judge anyway?

Anyway, I’m a list hoarder. I have so many lists from taking notes from random articles but one that struck me as something I should do was 20 Things You Should Do In Your 20s.

20 Things You Should Do In Your 20s:

  1. Learn how to dance (I kinda took one lesson in tango but I think I’ll actually pursue it more consistently.)
  2. Attend a popular event (did that already with Warped)
  3. Do something crazy (Does trapeezing count? I think so)
  4. Go on a road trip
  5. Travel the world
  6. Volunteer (I did in the past but I need to get back on it. Namely volunteering at animal shelters hopefully!)
  7. Train for a marathon
  8. Join a team
  9. Find your own home (Don’t know how but I’ll figure it out.)
  10. Really connect with your family
  11. Write a letter to yourself
  12. Learn a new language
  13. Determine life goals (Working on it!)
  14. Determine your passion
  15. Get rid of debt
  16. Spend time with friends
  17. Point your finger on a map & go there (yet again same as traveling the world I think.)
  18. Travel alone
  19. Go offline for a week (This is what I’m partaking in right now by posting all my articles ahead of time.)
  20. Dedicate one full day to doing nice things for people.

While there’s that list there of things you should do in your 20s, I think my main goal for this year is be consistent with my work. Mark Manson in his book “The Art of Not Giving a F*ck” wrote about the Do Something Principle: Action, Inspiration, Motivation. More often than not, we have to feel inspired, then we get motivated to pursue our actions. Which in reality, is all mood based and won’t help us get *much* done. However, if we adapt the Do Something Principle, although we may not be in the mood of doing whatever work, we will more often than not find inspiration from just doing.

(More in depth about the Do Something Principle)

So my resolution is:

To live a more fulfilling life by instead of overthinking, it’s just to do something and work towards achieving my goals. To accept the fact that NOTHING is CERTAIN and that uncertainty is a part of life that helps us grow and move forward.

On a side note: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck is one of the MOST important books I’ve come across. I will shamelessly promote that book since it’s helped me SO much. Also check out his site: MarkManson.net. I love his work that much. Anyway more on his book in my next post because I really want to put up a review of his book and the best points of his book that helped me personally.

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