Wasting time

I’m a calm and forgiving person, because I know life gets in the way from time to time. But what I absolutely cannot stand is when people take advantage of my kindness and patience. The most ultimate sign of disrespect to me is wasting time. Time is the one thing that people can never get back, which is why it’s so important. I try to make time for everyone important in my life. When I do take time out, I value them. My kindness has let people stay in my life despite them having no respect for my time whatsoever. I understand if people are busy but if they don’t have the decency to tell me ahead of time, it’s a sure way to make me dislike you.  If someone is too “busy” to make plans, then simply DON’T make plans.

I only dislike a few people and that’s because of entitlement they believe they possess. We all have lives we have to tend to but I thoroughly believe that if someone values you, they will make time for you. They will not come up with excuses of how “busy” they are. If ER doctors can make plans with people they can, surely anyone can. And that’s something I will continue believing. However, it’s fine if someone doesn’t prioritize someone over other things they deem to be important. I get it, there are other things that are far more important to others over said person. That’s fair, we all have things we prefer doing over others.

However, to blatantly disregard the feelings of another person is downright rude. To make plans only to cancel last minute, shows how much someone doesn’t value the time they took out. That’s also why I cut out people from my life, if they choose to act that way. I’d like to think I’m a forgiving person because I understand things do happen but when this becomes a constant then I’m done. There’s only so much patience a person has and I’ve come to the point where I’m legitimately not willing to give second chances anymore.

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Why I became a writer

When we’re younger we’re asked, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” We dream up all these ideas of what we want to do without reservations. Then as we grow we seem to forget what we’re happiest doing. That’s probably because we all want to fit in. Then when we’re of age we question ourselves again asking what it is we’re happiest doing? Some of us chase the option of money, some of us chase whatever the newest trend is. Most of us forget what we said when we were children, some of us doubt our choices. Most of us doubt ourselves because we’re not sure if our childhood dream can become reality.

I always enjoyed writing, it’s something I’m passionate about. Growing up I wasn’t the strongest in my writing skills but I wrote nonetheless. I used to write a lot of poetry and still do to this day from time to time. I still keep a journal even if I feel embarrassing mentioning the fact that I journal. Journaling is good for mental wellbeing and I stand by that.

The reason I enjoy writing is I get to share a creative viewpoint with the world, even if it might be about the most mundane thoughts.

I firmly believe in the statement, “the pen is mightier than the sword,” and it holds true. In times of trouble, it’s usually writers that hold the most power. Not because they have any affiliation with any party but because words can affect people on a mass scale. I could get into technical terms such as religion and philosophies. Words can motivate people to fight for a cause or fight against a cause. It’s also why we have to allow artistic expression from all sides of the world because if we’re only told one side of a story how can we understand the other perspective.

The reason I became a writer was to make an impact. I write on blogs from time to time to share my experiences with the world. If someone can read my writing and say, hey I know this time for me is difficult but I can make it through. Or “I’m not alone and I can get through this”. That’s my ultimate goal with writing is to inspire others to lead a better life for themselves and the world around them.

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It’s insane how easily things can change in a small period of time. I learned more about myself in a matter of two weeks in 2017 compared to 2016. (I’ve yet to write that post about “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” and I will!) Anyway, so much is going on. But busy is a bullshit excuse unless you have the proof for it. I’ve learned so much about people in my life than I ever did before.

Lessons I learned from the Internet AND people. Actions will ALWAYS speak louder than words. Someone can say they care for you but if they make no effort, it’s shows how much of a priority you are. If someone makes you feel crazy, then step away. You may not be able to control other people’s actions BUT you can control how much influence they have in your life. I learned that the hard way. If someone makes you feel insane then maybe it’s best that they’re not present in your life.

As you get older, it’s kind of depressing how few people you’ll actually have a connection with. But you do learn to value those close to you. However, life happens, people change. I will forever appreciate those who make time for me.

You show where people stand in your life by showing how much effort you put into maintaining contact with them.

It really comes down to that. It’s easy to find people who’ll be there for you during easy times but finding people who accept your flaws. It took me forever to realize who’s good company. Something I struggled with people about personally, was setting boundaries with people. I was one who would wear my heart on my sleeve around all the wrong sorts of people. Whenever someone pushed me away I would chase harder. I think that’s human nature to some extent. But if someone pushes you away, you can either make yourself seem desperate for their attention. Or you can gather yourself together and accept their behaviors for their face value. Not to make excuses but to stand up for your own self worth.

We can keep searching for approval but if we can’t be ourselves around the ones we care about then are they really there for us. It’s hard being vulnerable especially since everyone wants to be “strong.” But we’re humans and we do experience times of vulnerability. And the people who are there for us when we’re an emotional mess are the ones who are truly valuable.

Every day should be a day to learn more about yourself. And for someone who has difficultly with resolutions, I think I’m doing pretty well. At least with the resolution that matters and that’s to take care of myself first,

And for once in my life I can say I’m pretty damn content with where I am. Things may not be perfect and I’m nowhere close to where I want to be but socially, I’m grateful for the people I consider close to me.

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Ever since reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, I’ve learned one thing. People are obsessed with positivity. While there’s nothing wrong with positivity the problem is we’re told that there should be no room for negative emotions. We’re all humans and feeling sad/upset is something we will all feel. To ignore it and force ourselves into being positive all the time, ultimately, is a way to avoid feeling. It’s a way to avoid our own problems. I would know because I tended to be an escapist when it came to feelings.

But now I’ve come to accept the fact that not everything will be dandy all the time. And there’s not much I can do about it. I try to be a positive person for the most part but sometimes there will be times where I’ll feel like crap. But it happens. How can we accept true happiness without having some adversity in our life. Because once everything goes right or we don’t have any other problems in our life, we’ll find other things to nitpick at or complain about. Truth is we are always going to have problems but we have to find out what problems are worth having. The only problem with the positivity obsession is ignoring the problem at hand. How else will we create a better future for ourselves if we don’t recognize that everything isn’t okay.

Positivity is great when it isn’t being used to avoid problems. And that’s the whole problem with all this positivity talk is that there will be times when things will suck. But without those times we won’t appreciate the good.

All in all, hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

If we can accept that there will be times where positivity won’t always be there, it’ll be a little easier on us when things do go bad.

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I tend to overwhelm myself emotionally from time to time. It isn’t that I don’t want to live an emotionally exuberant life. It’s just that whenever I do want to experience everything, it gets a bit frustrating for me to handle. That’s natural though isn’t it?  The thing about wanting to experience everything is that I become overwhelmed. It’s easy to experience life when you can step away from something and observe it objectively. The harder task is to actually involve yourself emotionally and immerse yourself in it. I have no idea what I’m going on about with this post but here I am writing it.

I’ve been attempting to adapt the whole “let yourself feel” mentality. That’s something that’s hard for me to do considering that I’m the queen of running away from negativity. I’m the kind of person who believes in not letting anyone see your bad side. The kind of person who always tries to remain positive all the time no matter what.

And truthfully it’s far easier to pretend everything is okay instead of looking back and saying, “wow, everything is not okay.”

Pretending to be optimistic all the time is something that’s a kind of a high. (Yet again referencing that wonderful book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”.) Truth is I’m acknowledging that I’m hiding behind these positive emotions as a coping mechanism. Albeit an unhealthy mechanism because I know I’m running away from acknowledging that there is a problem.

(Also thank you, thank you, thank you Yoast for your readability analysis. I know I struggle with using passive voice in my writing and this plug-in has worked wonders for me!)

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. I’m trying hard to immerse myself in feeling upset or any negative emotion because I shouldn’t be ashamed of feeling. The reason why I want to be able to not run away from these emotions is because I want to find the cause of it. Negative emotions are there for a reason, to let you know there is something that isn’t right. That change needs to be implemented. Obviously, we can’t control our external environments but we can try our best to learn to find the root of these emotions and whether or not they’re going to bring positive change. Positive emotions are an outcome of overcoming events. They’re rewards for our behavioral changes and whatnot.

I need to take some time away, reevaluate what’s working and what’s not. If something isn’t working, then I need to figure out what should be done. That is after all the whole purpose of self-care and self-help. I also need to remember that my problems aren’t unique or the end of the world, because problems come and go. That’s also why it’s sometimes healthier to just take a step back and breathe.

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Love and All That BS

I’ve been working on this post for a while trying to gather my thoughts on what I feel love is. Obviously this post is going to be subjective but here goes.

Love is something where I feel I can be optimistic about yet cynical about. It isn’t to say that I don’t want to “fall in love” but let’s be honest here. “Falling in love” is hard to do. You have to find the right person and more often than not you’ll fall for the wrong person. I feel like a downer when I write about love but I’m skeptical about it. Maybe it’s because I’ve never experienced love in a romantic sense. I’ve felt strong infatuation but never love in the sense where I feel like it’s the end of the world. And truthfully, even infatuation hurts like hell when you’re the only one reciprocating feelings.

This concept of romantic love for some reason is supposed to be this thing you feel you live for. Maybe it is, but I’m cynical, I just feel like as much as we romanticize love it isn’t always going to be that way. I realized that love comes in many shapes and forms. What works for your friends and family won’t necessarily work for you. Thing is we’re all told that if you don’t have a certain brand of love you haven’t lived.

But that also limits us from really experiencing the love that may be right for us.

I have the tendency to compare what love is seeing how the people in my life experience their relationships even though I know everyone is different. While I consider myself a hopeless romantic, I think I’m more of a hopeless romantic in the sense of friendship. But it’s difficult in that situation, I want a natural ease of conversation, someone I can chill with and just enjoy their company. See thing is I believe romantic gestures mean so much more when you’re comfortable with someone and you both reciprocate the feeling.

I had a post from a long while back which touched upon the proximity of love. It was based on the whole Jess/Nick slash CeCe/Schmidt and Ted/Robin conundrum from New Girl and HIMYM. It was on how sometimes the people we find ourselves spending the most time with are the ones we end up falling for. And the reason I bought these examples up was because personality wise they’re really incompatible but because of how much time they spend with one another they grow to care for each other. While this isn’t the case all the time it does happen. It’s also why I feel the best relationships form out of being friends with someone. You get to see a person with their flaws and all and still want to be around them.

But obviously there has to be a decision for both of them to decide their feelings for one another, otherwise it’s just unrequited love.

All in all, it’s why I think the best relationships come out of friendships because you know how the person is. It isn’t to say dating isn’t necessarily ineffective. However, with something like friendship and attraction in the mix it can lead to something that’s more likely to work. In dating, we all put on these facades of who we are to impress the other person. While when romance grows organically it comes to be something bigger than that (at least how I see it).

Romantic gestures always mean more when you know a person compared to when you don’t.

And romantic gestures don’t have to be grandiose. But everyone has their perspective of what ideal love is. I don’t consider myself to be a romantic person in regards to how people show off on Facebook/social media or the movies. But I do consider myself romantic in that if I’m with someone I genuinely care about. They’ll be the one I’ll fight the world for. And in that regard I am a lover and a fighter because I don’t think I’d give up on love that easily.


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Week long hiatus?

I always say that I’m going to try these things yet, I never actually follow through with them. Hopefully this time around I do though. I think 2016 put a lot in perspective for me. While there were a lot of bad experiences, it’s those bad experiences that shaped me as a person. Sure feeling broken sucks, but picking yourself up after those times are the most rewarding. We’re always on a conquest to figure out what we want or how we expect our lives to be. Not that there’s anything wrong with ambition because obviously there isn’t. But what this year taught me more than anything is, is that nothing is certain. The more we try to achieve or gain certainty the farther away from happiness or any sense of security we get.

I finished listening to The Art of Not Giving a Fuck and it really impacted me. Impacted me so much so I decided on rereading it, highlighting, and writing down all the things I find necessary. The scary part about the book is that it addresses a reality we all will face no matter what. And that reality is, is that we’re all going to die. While this is the obvious truth, it’s something we don’t think about. We try to distract ourselves from it and ultimately that stops us from leaving a legacy that proves beneficial for the world ahead of us.

I have to stop myself before I go too much into it because I’m leaving that for another blog post on the book itself.

Back to 2016 stuff

My new year’s goal for the first week is going to be to reflect on what improved in my life and what I can improve on. Ultimately, I want to take a week to reflect on myself.

As we grow older, we can either embrace change or do everything in our power to stop it. But if we stop ourselves from experiencing change we limit ourselves to experiences too. It isn’t to say that we shouldn’t aim for a life of comfort, but we should accept the fact that change is inevitable. We should always strive to keep an open mind but understandably it’s very difficult to do. (All these thoughts are to some extent or another mentioned in Manson’s book as well!)

So what does this have to do with going on a week long hiatus? Easy, with this break I get to reassess what I consider things I give a fuck about. Social media is great, it really is. BUT it’s also one of the biggest distractions we have. I want to become a successful author. Writing is my passion but I can’t do that when I’m on Facebook, Instagram or even Twitter. Unless I learn how to manage my time better (which I will learn soon enough), these social sites stop me from achieving my goals. And yes I know it’s easy to spread the blame when it comes into my lack of consistency. I have so many ideas that I’ve been meaning to work on and get to them because what makes me happiest is knowing that I’m capable of putting out something I love.

With this week off, I hope to achieve some sense of serenity away from anyone and everyone.

The people I consider close to me, know how to contact me so being away from social media shouldn’t be too hard. Well here goes nothing. (My blog will be posting articles though as I do want to be consistent with my writing!) Also I have a lot of ideas. Anyhow!

May everyone’s 2017 be an amazing year filled with joy and opportunity!

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Every now and then, I have to remind myself from time to time, to breathe.

I seem to forget and that I need a break from people.I need to have that getaway from people. Where I can just simply be left alone to figure my own stuff out. But that’s not realistic.

I wish there were easier ways to deal with my mind at times. Overwhelmed with millions of thoughts/hypothetical problems that I have no answers to. I know that every situation you’re put in, teaches you something but goodness I want to take a break.

A break from my thoughts, a break from worldly expectations, a break from people. Just a time where I can collect myself and not feel like I’m not being rushed. That time isn’t against me and it’s with me. It gets so tiresome especially when you’re looking out for other people and not yourself.

Sometimes I wish I had it in me to tell people to piss off kindly. But I don’t. At times I have self loathing phases for that reason alone. Thats the problem with being a “nice/good girl.” It’s the whole feeling guilty about things you shouldn’t feel guilty about.

I need a break.

To just disappear for a while and figure things out. What I want from life, what I need to remove from my life and how I intend on moving forward. Once I have that figured out to some extent or another, I’ll be content.

I usually don’t write posts where I express my need to escape but it’s a common thought of mine. I’m an escapist but I already knew that. I’m the kind of person who wants to avoid anything unpleasant in life but I also know it’s unhealthy too. That’s part of the escapist struggle, is trying to find a way to deal with the unpleasantries of life. And boy is it hard. I guess my way of dealing with things, is through writing, which is why I’m here.

You know what else I hate? The extreme highs and lows of happiness and sorrow, but I’ll leave that for another post;).

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Before I used to think that timing made no difference in finding the “right” person. But my opinion has changed on that. Sometimes because of timing, two people who are perfect for one another have to grow individually before they can come together. While there’s this whole concept of “the right person will come regardless of the time”, sometimes that isn’t the case.

What if you have to grow as a person?

What if it’s that person who has to grow? I’m not advocating waiting around. What I am saying is sometimes circumstances stop the right people from meeting or getting together. Maybe it’s foolish of me to hold on to this belief but I do believe there are plenty cases of such.

Sometimes it takes time apart for people to realize that they’re perfect for one another. Sometimes it takes meeting other people in between to make them realize the same truths.

Truth is nothing in life is ever set in stone.

We take chances hoping for the best but sometimes there’s that something that keeps us looking back. Something you just can’t let go. And as much as I hate looking back as I’m a firm believer as what’s in the past should remain there, sometimes that isn’t the case.

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Every now and then I’ll find my anxiety tends to get the worst of me. I’ve wanted to write about this for a while. While I don’t have clinical anxiety, my mind tends to jump from one conclusion to another. The best way for me to combat this anxiety that I face would be practicing mindfulness and being present. However, that’s particularly tough when your mind is constantly never in the actual present.

I do think one of the few things I can do is disconnect.

By disconnect, I mean stop myself from being present in all social media. The reason being that I give myself a mental break from everything that is out of my control. I need to focus on things that only I can control and not things I think I can control. If I can learn how to take a step back and breathe, then I can learn that I need to be present. Most of my anxiety roots from thinking about worst case scenarios in my head and thinking people might hate me. And it’s a horrible feeling, feeling like the whole world is against you.

While it’s something I struggle with from time to time, I’m going to actively try and fight these thoughts of negativity.

By this post I’m really putting myself out there as I don’t like talking about my personal battles. However, I do feel it’s necessary to talk about how not being present and living in your head CAN be harmful. I’m not saying those with general anxiety disorder can easily have their problems solved by this but it is a step in the right direction.

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