Moments of Vulnerability

I’m an optimist, that’s something I probably don’t ever want to change about myself. Personally, it’s my optimism and endless amount of hope that keeps me sane. But with any positive trait there’s a few things to counteract it, for me it’s self doubt. I’d say my cynicism but that’s more a trait to bring me down to earth every now and again with reality. Can you be a cynical optimist? No idea, but if you can, I’m a prime example of one.

Anyhow back to the self doubt, there was a reason I wanted to deactivate my social media. The reason being that in human nature, we tend to compare ourselves to others and scrutinize where we are in comparison. It isn’t to say I’m not happy for those who achieve greatness because I really am happy for them. However, I start to wonder, when will it be my turn to get to where they are?

I know when I’m partaking in that behavior, the hard part is fighting the feeling. If I don’t fight the feeling, I’ll end up feeling horribly about where I am currently. The only way I overcome these feelings is reminding myself that everyone follows a different time frame in their life. And that when the time is right, everything will fall into place.

For now, I just have to step back and breathe to regain my train of thought in those moments.

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Bullet Journaling

If there’s one thing I’ve wanted to try it was bullet journaling.

Bullet journals always look phenomenal when I saw them online but I was terrified to try them out. I finally decided to give it a go when I saw this buzzfeed article. While the article from Buzzfeed was helpful, it wasn’t as helpful as The website goes into detail as to what to do and how to manage a bullet journal from the actual creator of the system. Being someone who is constantly bogged down with a thousand things to do, I’m hoping this will help me manage.

If there’s anything I love, it’s creating lists for myself but that’s also how I stress myself out too. So I always end up feeling like I’m not doing as much as I’m supposed to even if it’s out of my control. My first attempt at de-stressing will be this bullet journal, shortly after I’m going to try my hand on meditation. I hear meditation helps immensely with mental clarity so I’ll see when I can find the time to do so!

One thing I love about the bullet journal system is the appearance of organization it gives. I do hope the key works and I actually end up utilizing this system for the most part. If by any chance that does happen, I’m going to put up snapshots of the journal and how it helped. Welcome September of productivity!

Anyway, the supplies I’m using for this bullet journal experiment is a Peter Pauper grid journal. The writing utensils I’m using will vary from Sharpie pens to Muji pens, which I LOVE.

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Before embarking on my disconnect from social media, I announced my disappearance just as a heads up. I was dismayed by the negativity I received. I ended up discussing that with my coworker, asking why people resort to negativity in the face of any change. He responded saying most people don’t want others to be happy. As much as I don’t want that to be true, I do think he’s right, most people are adverse to change and don’t want people to better themselves. It makes sense because if someone is doing better than them people either resort to one of the two options: 1) try bringing them down 2) try to improve themselves.

I will take it as a blessing as to who I should avoid in the future.

It hasn’t even been one day and I already know who to avoid. As time progresses with this transition I’ll learn my place with many friends and acquaintances. I do have to remind myself though, that this journey is for me, myself alone. I’m doing this so that I can grow a backbone and learn how to fend for myself. It isn’t to say I’m not going to be kind because that’s something I don’t think I can change about myself. However, I will be a little more guarded with my kindness because living in NYC (or anywhere for the matter), if you put others first they will abuse that power.

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Progress Logs and Whatnot

I’m going to be adding a progress log on this site to track what I’m up to, as I said before, I’m going to be adding most of my adventurous stuff on my other blog. If there’s anything that’s helping me through this transitional period of time in my life it’s my coworkers, few friends and my music. What prompted this disappearance was the song “Break The Sky” by The Hush Sound.

“Weight of days lost holding you down
You’ll look for me, but I wont be found
The blue birds flutter in my chest
Oh, they want to sing
You’ll have to break me open to hear anything
Before the world dies at my door

I’ll break the sky, for you and I are going no where
Kiss good-bye a dozen times before we give them
Why do I need anyone else?
When I can break the sky myself

Won’t be haunted by dreams I’ve deferred
Won’t set my heart frozen in amber”

The bolded lyrics in the song emphasize the effect I want to create and what I expect of myself. I need to learn how to pick myself up by the bootstrap and not worry about others. While I don’t know who is viewing this site or if it’s anyone I know, whoever you guys are, you’ll have an insight that others won’t have. I’m deactivating all my social media soon enough, I have all the phone numbers of the people I care about so it won’t matter if I continue using social media or not.

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The Art of Letting Go

Usually I try not to get too personal in my online writings but today I’ve decided to get personal.

As someone who struggles with finding balance in my life, I’ve struggled with either not caring about something or caring too much.

I can’t say that it isn’t a good quality when it comes to actually getting work done because when I’m determined to get stuff done I will get it done.

However, when it comes to caring too much about people, that’s a different story as no one can force someone to feel any kind of way. When I turn to the realm of feelings, I get consumed in them to the point of obsession, for a lack of wording. This intensity can play out in many ways: it can scare someone or it can bring them closer. With extremes of intensity anyone can get extreme responses. While everything in moderation is something that I should practice. It’s hard when it’s something that I’ve done my whole life. Old habits die hard.

I’m hoping to bring some change about in my life but I know hoping alone won’t bring any change.

Whenever I tend to get emotionally involved with people, I usually end up mentally exhausting myself. I put myself all in and expect the same response from people back. Unfortunately, I’ve learned with life or people in general is that the world doesn’t work that way. We have to make people earn certain behavioral traits such as trust or even kindness in some ways. One cannot just give trust so openly to others as it makes them vulnerable to others. It’s naive to think that just because one treats people kindly or “nicely” that others will treat that person in the same respect. I learned that the hard way. The same goes with love, one simply can’t give all their love to someone without them earning that love in some regard.

If we make people work for those things, in some regard they value it more because they worked for it. It’s something that I’ve actually come to terms with now.  All of this comes to the topic of what I believe is the “art of letting go,” by that I don’t mean letting people go. However letting go of expectations from people and focusing on who is worth focusing attention on. Better yet it’s focusing on myself. I have to learn how to put myself first then deciding who is worthy of that attention or care.

Invested time wisely has a great payoff but wasted time is worse than losing money since there’s no way anyone can get time back.

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