Love and All That BS

I’ve been working on this post for a while trying to gather my thoughts on what I feel love is. Obviously this post is going to be subjective but here goes.

Love is something where I feel I can be optimistic about yet cynical about. It isn’t to say that I don’t want to “fall in love” but let’s be honest here. “Falling in love” is hard to do. You have to find the right person and more often than not you’ll fall for the wrong person. I feel like a downer when I write about love but I’m skeptical about it. Maybe it’s because I’ve never experienced love in a romantic sense. I’ve felt strong infatuation but never love in the sense where I feel like it’s the end of the world. And truthfully, even infatuation hurts like hell when you’re the only one reciprocating feelings.

This concept of romantic love for some reason is supposed to be this thing you feel you live for. Maybe it is, but I’m cynical, I just feel like as much as we romanticize love it isn’t always going to be that way. I realized that love comes in many shapes and forms. What works for your friends and family won’t necessarily work for you. Thing is we’re all told that if you don’t have a certain brand of love you haven’t lived.

But that also limits us from really experiencing the love that may be right for us.

I have the tendency to compare what love is seeing how the people in my life experience their relationships even though I know everyone is different. While I consider myself a hopeless romantic, I think I’m more of a hopeless romantic in the sense of friendship. But it’s difficult in that situation, I want a natural ease of conversation, someone I can chill with and just enjoy their company. See thing is I believe romantic gestures mean so much more when you’re comfortable with someone and you both reciprocate the feeling.

I had a post from a long while back which touched upon the proximity of love. It was based on the whole Jess/Nick slash CeCe/Schmidt and Ted/Robin conundrum from New Girl and HIMYM. It was on how sometimes the people we find ourselves spending the most time with are the ones we end up falling for. And the reason I bought these examples up was because personality wise they’re really incompatible but because of how much time they spend with one another they grow to care for each other. While this isn’t the case all the time it does happen. It’s also why I feel the best relationships form out of being friends with someone. You get to see a person with their flaws and all and still want to be around them.

But obviously there has to be a decision for both of them to decide their feelings for one another, otherwise it’s just unrequited love.

All in all, it’s why I think the best relationships come out of friendships because you know how the person is. It isn’t to say dating isn’t necessarily ineffective. However, with something like friendship and attraction in the mix it can lead to something that’s more likely to work. In dating, we all put on these facades of who we are to impress the other person. While when romance grows organically it comes to be something bigger than that (at least how I see it).

Romantic gestures always mean more when you know a person compared to when you don’t.

And romantic gestures don’t have to be grandiose. But everyone has their perspective of what ideal love is. I don’t consider myself to be a romantic person in regards to how people show off on Facebook/social media or the movies. But I do consider myself romantic in that if I’m with someone I genuinely care about. They’ll be the one I’ll fight the world for. And in that regard I am a lover and a fighter because I don’t think I’d give up on love that easily.

 

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Hoarding

I have the tendency to hoard. Not material things but more like keeping anyone I get in contact with in my life. Hoarding isn’t something I’m proud of because I know it’s unhealthy. I think I hoard people because I want to remain on good terms with everyone. Truth is, you can never be on good terms with everyone. Also that the quote that went something like “if you try to make everyone happy, you’ll only make yourself miserable,” is true. It isn’t to say that people are selfish but in order to succeed you have to put yourself first.

While I’m someone who is/was a people pleaser, the reality of the world is that being a people pleaser only hurts you. How I plan on overcoming that, is learning to prioritize where to place my care and energy. Now prioritizing stuff is hard, especially when you’re completely content with your situation. No matter how much you want things to remain positive, if you try to avoid the negative, it will bite you in the ass at some point. It hurts, cutting people out of my life because I REALLY do want to be on good terms with everyone. But I also know it pains me to keep some people because of the memories associated with them. And do we need a constant reminder of what went wrong? I don’t think so. It’s also of no help keeping negative people around no matter how long you’ve known them.

The problem with cutting people you know for a while is you end up feeling bad about it.

Even when you know it’s beneficial for your own wellbeing. I hate how much importance is placed on social media but it is important to many, including myself. And I hate the fact that I place value on it. It’s also why I don’t add people I’m seeing on social media because I don’t want them to know about my life. I’ll only add someone on social media is if they’re committed to me. Is it irrational? Who knows, but I know what works for me. I think what scares me about cutting people out of my life is that if they seem to notice, what will I tell them? How will I confront them about it and even thinking about that gives me anxiety. But then I have to remind myself that I don’t have to keep anyone in my life if I don’t want to.

2016 was a year I learned what works and what doesn’t work. And even though I feel the compulsive need to be on everyone’s good side, I have to stop myself. Because at the end of the day, no matter who you are, we all have to take care of ourselves first. And that is going to be hard to do when you give all the fucks in the world about what people think BUT it’s a journey well worth going through.

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New Years Resolutions and All That Stuff

I personally love New Years because it gives that illusion that we have a clean slate. I personally love any shot at being able to start things anew. But I’ve also learned to adapt that mind into every day. For instance, every new day is a chance at something new, why use New Years as a motivation (just like EVERYONE else). But why not, right? I honestly don’t care if people hate that whole “new year, new me” stuff. Who the hell are they to judge anyway?

Anyway, I’m a list hoarder. I have so many lists from taking notes from random articles but one that struck me as something I should do was 20 Things You Should Do In Your 20s.

20 Things You Should Do In Your 20s:

  1. Learn how to dance (I kinda took one lesson in tango but I think I’ll actually pursue it more consistently.)
  2. Attend a popular event (did that already with Warped)
  3. Do something crazy (Does trapeezing count? I think so)
  4. Go on a road trip
  5. Travel the world
  6. Volunteer (I did in the past but I need to get back on it. Namely volunteering at animal shelters hopefully!)
  7. Train for a marathon
  8. Join a team
  9. Find your own home (Don’t know how but I’ll figure it out.)
  10. Really connect with your family
  11. Write a letter to yourself
  12. Learn a new language
  13. Determine life goals (Working on it!)
  14. Determine your passion
  15. Get rid of debt
  16. Spend time with friends
  17. Point your finger on a map & go there (yet again same as traveling the world I think.)
  18. Travel alone
  19. Go offline for a week (This is what I’m partaking in right now by posting all my articles ahead of time.)
  20. Dedicate one full day to doing nice things for people.

While there’s that list there of things you should do in your 20s, I think my main goal for this year is be consistent with my work. Mark Manson in his book “The Art of Not Giving a F*ck” wrote about the Do Something Principle: Action, Inspiration, Motivation. More often than not, we have to feel inspired, then we get motivated to pursue our actions. Which in reality, is all mood based and won’t help us get *much* done. However, if we adapt the Do Something Principle, although we may not be in the mood of doing whatever work, we will more often than not find inspiration from just doing.

(More in depth about the Do Something Principle)

So my resolution is:

To live a more fulfilling life by instead of overthinking, it’s just to do something and work towards achieving my goals. To accept the fact that NOTHING is CERTAIN and that uncertainty is a part of life that helps us grow and move forward.

On a side note: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck is one of the MOST important books I’ve come across. I will shamelessly promote that book since it’s helped me SO much. Also check out his site: MarkManson.net. I love his work that much. Anyway more on his book in my next post because I really want to put up a review of his book and the best points of his book that helped me personally.

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Week long hiatus?

I always say that I’m going to try these things yet, I never actually follow through with them. Hopefully this time around I do though. I think 2016 put a lot in perspective for me. While there were a lot of bad experiences, it’s those bad experiences that shaped me as a person. Sure feeling broken sucks, but picking yourself up after those times are the most rewarding. We’re always on a conquest to figure out what we want or how we expect our lives to be. Not that there’s anything wrong with ambition because obviously there isn’t. But what this year taught me more than anything is, is that nothing is certain. The more we try to achieve or gain certainty the farther away from happiness or any sense of security we get.

I finished listening to The Art of Not Giving a Fuck and it really impacted me. Impacted me so much so I decided on rereading it, highlighting, and writing down all the things I find necessary. The scary part about the book is that it addresses a reality we all will face no matter what. And that reality is, is that we’re all going to die. While this is the obvious truth, it’s something we don’t think about. We try to distract ourselves from it and ultimately that stops us from leaving a legacy that proves beneficial for the world ahead of us.

I have to stop myself before I go too much into it because I’m leaving that for another blog post on the book itself.

Back to 2016 stuff

My new year’s goal for the first week is going to be to reflect on what improved in my life and what I can improve on. Ultimately, I want to take a week to reflect on myself.

As we grow older, we can either embrace change or do everything in our power to stop it. But if we stop ourselves from experiencing change we limit ourselves to experiences too. It isn’t to say that we shouldn’t aim for a life of comfort, but we should accept the fact that change is inevitable. We should always strive to keep an open mind but understandably it’s very difficult to do. (All these thoughts are to some extent or another mentioned in Manson’s book as well!)

So what does this have to do with going on a week long hiatus? Easy, with this break I get to reassess what I consider things I give a fuck about. Social media is great, it really is. BUT it’s also one of the biggest distractions we have. I want to become a successful author. Writing is my passion but I can’t do that when I’m on Facebook, Instagram or even Twitter. Unless I learn how to manage my time better (which I will learn soon enough), these social sites stop me from achieving my goals. And yes I know it’s easy to spread the blame when it comes into my lack of consistency. I have so many ideas that I’ve been meaning to work on and get to them because what makes me happiest is knowing that I’m capable of putting out something I love.

With this week off, I hope to achieve some sense of serenity away from anyone and everyone.

The people I consider close to me, know how to contact me so being away from social media shouldn’t be too hard. Well here goes nothing. (My blog will be posting articles though as I do want to be consistent with my writing!) Also I have a lot of ideas. Anyhow!

May everyone’s 2017 be an amazing year filled with joy and opportunity!

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Experimentation

I’ve been putting off so much reading that needs to be done. The books I read for the most part are psychology books though. So now my goals are to implement what I learn and see how I can move forward with newer mindsets. Here’s to hoping that 2017 will be more of a learning experience than 2016 was. Also to 2017 leading to a more fulfilling life that I’m content with!

Now the books I’m finally going to finish are:

  1. All of my Robert Greene books
  2. E^2 by Pamela Grout
  3. The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
  4. The 4 Hour Work Week by Tim Ferris
  5. Give and Take by Adam Grant (this one William recommended to me)
  6. The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday (this one was recommended by my friend Mark)
  7. The War of Art by Steven Pressfield
  8. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig (I’ve heard about this book A LOT)
  9. #Girlboss by Sophia Amoruso
  10. Freakonomics by Steven Levitt
  11. Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson
  12. On Writing by Stephen King

As one could see, I’m huge on self improvement/psychology books.

However the for fun/fiction/autobiography books I plan on reading are:

  1. This is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz
  2. The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery
  3. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
  4. Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty
  5. Yes, Please by Amy Poehler
  6. Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari

Ahhh I have so much to do but here’s to 2017 being a better year.

Also that I’m going to finish my books (which I know I’ve been saying forever but soon!)

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Magic

Does that spark exist?

I’d like to think so. By spark I mean, in an instant you cross paths and your eyes meet, making your heart skip a beat. I think that only happened twice in my life. It’s actually kind of depressing, knowing that these moments are ever so rare. At least at first glance they are. It may be the foolish hopeless romantic in me for hoping for that spark but one can dream.

For some reason, the cynic in me tells me that I shouldn’t bother but the optimist in me tells me to go forth. If you want to find that “you know” feeling, there’s always a risk of getting hurt. It’s terrifying when feelings are involved. Are we chasing after an illusion of a spark? I wish I was “hopeless romantic” enough that I didn’t try to make logic out of feelings. It’s also why I don’t open up emotionally and can detach myself easily. Not sure if that’s something to wear with pride or hide from everyone.

Thing about feelings is that when you share emotional vulnerability, it’s the ultimate act of trust. People can do anything physically yet involving emotional depth to any physical act will make it more meaningful. And that’s the problem, most people are afraid of that. While it’ll provide an unparalleled high, the lows can bring you to a feeling worse than death (or so we feel). It’s also why we settle for mediocrity, because at least mediocrity won’t hurt us. At least not in the way that the “spark” would. It wouldn’t lead us into ecstacy the way the drugs let people feel that high and then feel our world crashing down.

Is it worth the risk?

That’s something that most of us are afraid of. What if it fails, what if it isn’t everything we hoped it would be? So we detach, we convince ourselves that feeling numb is better than the pain that would happen from taking a chance. Who doesn’t wish they didn’t get hurt? No one, but it’s those experiences that do shape us into the person we are. Drawing us closer to the magic moments that we’re secretly hoping for. Not the Disney romance but our own idealized version of what love is.

Someone, that even when it’s bad, it’s good.

And that’s all we can genuinely hope for. Is that magic, maybe not at first sight, but the magic that reminds us that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Breathe

Every now and then, I have to remind myself from time to time, to breathe.

I seem to forget and that I need a break from people.I need to have that getaway from people. Where I can just simply be left alone to figure my own stuff out. But that’s not realistic.

I wish there were easier ways to deal with my mind at times. Overwhelmed with millions of thoughts/hypothetical problems that I have no answers to. I know that every situation you’re put in, teaches you something but goodness I want to take a break.

A break from my thoughts, a break from worldly expectations, a break from people. Just a time where I can collect myself and not feel like I’m not being rushed. That time isn’t against me and it’s with me. It gets so tiresome especially when you’re looking out for other people and not yourself.

Sometimes I wish I had it in me to tell people to piss off kindly. But I don’t. At times I have self loathing phases for that reason alone. Thats the problem with being a “nice/good girl.” It’s the whole feeling guilty about things you shouldn’t feel guilty about.

I need a break.

To just disappear for a while and figure things out. What I want from life, what I need to remove from my life and how I intend on moving forward. Once I have that figured out to some extent or another, I’ll be content.

I usually don’t write posts where I express my need to escape but it’s a common thought of mine. I’m an escapist but I already knew that. I’m the kind of person who wants to avoid anything unpleasant in life but I also know it’s unhealthy too. That’s part of the escapist struggle, is trying to find a way to deal with the unpleasantries of life. And boy is it hard. I guess my way of dealing with things, is through writing, which is why I’m here.

You know what else I hate? The extreme highs and lows of happiness and sorrow, but I’ll leave that for another post;).

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