Magic

Does that spark exist?

I’d like to think so. By spark I mean, in an instant you cross paths and your eyes meet, making your heart skip a beat. I think that only happened twice in my life. It’s actually kind of depressing, knowing that these moments are ever so rare. At least at first glance they are. It may be the foolish hopeless romantic in me for hoping for that spark but one can dream.

For some reason, the cynic in me tells me that I shouldn’t bother but the optimist in me tells me to go forth. If you want to find that “you know” feeling, there’s always a risk of getting hurt. It’s terrifying when feelings are involved. Are we chasing after an illusion of a spark? I wish I was “hopeless romantic” enough that I didn’t try to make logic out of feelings. It’s also why I don’t open up emotionally and can detach myself easily. Not sure if that’s something to wear with pride or hide from everyone.

Thing about feelings is that when you share emotional vulnerability, it’s the ultimate act of trust. People can do anything physically yet involving emotional depth to any physical act will make it more meaningful. And that’s the problem, most people are afraid of that. While it’ll provide an unparalleled high, the lows can bring you to a feeling worse than death (or so we feel). It’s also why we settle for mediocrity, because at least mediocrity won’t hurt us. At least not in the way that the “spark” would. It wouldn’t lead us into ecstacy the way the drugs let people feel that high and then feel our world crashing down.

Is it worth the risk?

That’s something that most of us are afraid of. What if it fails, what if it isn’t everything we hoped it would be? So we detach, we convince ourselves that feeling numb is better than the pain that would happen from taking a chance. Who doesn’t wish they didn’t get hurt? No one, but it’s those experiences that do shape us into the person we are. Drawing us closer to the magic moments that we’re secretly hoping for. Not the Disney romance but our own idealized version of what love is.

Someone, that even when it’s bad, it’s good.

And that’s all we can genuinely hope for. Is that magic, maybe not at first sight, but the magic that reminds us that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Breathe

Every now and then, I have to remind myself from time to time, to breathe.

I seem to forget and that I need a break from people.I need to have that getaway from people. Where I can just simply be left alone to figure my own stuff out. But that’s not realistic.

I wish there were easier ways to deal with my mind at times. Overwhelmed with millions of thoughts/hypothetical problems that I have no answers to. I know that every situation you’re put in, teaches you something but goodness I want to take a break.

A break from my thoughts, a break from worldly expectations, a break from people. Just a time where I can collect myself and not feel like I’m not being rushed. That time isn’t against me and it’s with me. It gets so tiresome especially when you’re looking out for other people and not yourself.

Sometimes I wish I had it in me to tell people to piss off kindly. But I don’t. At times I have self loathing phases for that reason alone. Thats the problem with being a “nice/good girl.” It’s the whole feeling guilty about things you shouldn’t feel guilty about.

I need a break.

To just disappear for a while and figure things out. What I want from life, what I need to remove from my life and how I intend on moving forward. Once I have that figured out to some extent or another, I’ll be content.

I usually don’t write posts where I express my need to escape but it’s a common thought of mine. I’m an escapist but I already knew that. I’m the kind of person who wants to avoid anything unpleasant in life but I also know it’s unhealthy too. That’s part of the escapist struggle, is trying to find a way to deal with the unpleasantries of life. And boy is it hard. I guess my way of dealing with things, is through writing, which is why I’m here.

You know what else I hate? The extreme highs and lows of happiness and sorrow, but I’ll leave that for another post;).

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Timing

Before I used to think that timing made no difference in finding the “right” person. But my opinion has changed on that. Sometimes because of timing, two people who are perfect for one another have to grow individually before they can come together. While there’s this whole concept of “the right person will come regardless of the time”, sometimes that isn’t the case.

What if you have to grow as a person?

What if it’s that person who has to grow? I’m not advocating waiting around. What I am saying is sometimes circumstances stop the right people from meeting or getting together. Maybe it’s foolish of me to hold on to this belief but I do believe there are plenty cases of such.

Sometimes it takes time apart for people to realize that they’re perfect for one another. Sometimes it takes meeting other people in between to make them realize the same truths.

Truth is nothing in life is ever set in stone.

We take chances hoping for the best but sometimes there’s that something that keeps us looking back. Something you just can’t let go. And as much as I hate looking back as I’m a firm believer as what’s in the past should remain there, sometimes that isn’t the case.

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Updates

I’ve got so much that I’ve yet to do but I’ll have it up soon. I have a new book coming out by the end of the year (aka next weekend). I’ve also yet to start a podcast/vlog series coming out soon. Hopefully by this weekend I’ll have a vlog out. As far as the podcast goes, I will probably have that out sometime next year. But I will have the NYC blog up and running by this weekend.

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Taking it day by day

I’m someone who tends to live in the future, I always get ahead of myself. For some reason I can never seem to wrap my head around the present. I couldn’t see it before but I see it now, that I was running away from change. I thought I accepted change with open arms or I convinced myself to think that. It was easy for me to run away from anything unpleasant because I was afraid of the negatives. But how can you appreciate the good without dealing with the bad.

It isn’t to say that having hopes and aspirations for the future is wrong but not to limit yourself to that scope alone.

The terrifying part of learning to live in the present is learning how to deal with emotions you’ve tried so hard to avoid. And while there’s no guarantee of what tomorrow brings I can only take it a day at a time. I have to come to terms with knowing that there will be days where I’ll be terrified, feeling anxious, about all the things that can go wrong. But it’s also those days I need to realize that there are situations I have no control of. It’s those moments where I know I’ll be in my head and not in the present. And as much as I dislike clichés at times, you’ve only go up after hitting rock bottom.

And once you start taking it a day at a time, you realize, it’s not the end of the world. That things maybe aren’t as bad as they seem. You’ll start to take in the world as it’s meant to be. Life is something you have to be present to experience and as much as I want to withdraw to retain some control over what happens, it’s not how life works.

It’s when you get out of your head and step outside, you get to experience things that you didn’t think you were capable of experiencing.

And that’s just a constant reminder I have to tell myself. That even if I’m scared and terrified of what the future holds that things will turn out alright.

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A Long Way

I’ve come a long way from the beginning of this month. From being in the depths of sorrow and depression, I’m far happier now. It’s always after bad experiences that you learn the most about yourself. Even though those moments suck, they really do shape how you take on future experiences. I wanted to cry all the time and wanted to sleep all the time but I’m in a far better place than I was before any of this stuff happened. While I’m not going to go into depth as to what made everything far better. I will say that stepping out of my comfort zone has helped A LOT.

However, taking that first step is the hardest step you can take.

That’s the tough part about embracing change is taking that step. Change doesn’t happen passively, you have to actively seek out the change you seek. While I haven’t drastically changed to the ideal version of myself it does help when you’re surrounded by people who help you. I think the other part of changing your life is having those who are willing to help you pick up yourself after various shitty situations. The good thing about shitty situations is that you learn who is truly of good help or not and for that I’m forever grateful.

I’m terrified of change but I’m also excited about what the future holds. I know that it’s gonna be a long road to reaching the idealized version of myself. However, once you hit rock bottom you can only go up. *Optimism woo!*

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Hope

I need to remind myself every now and again, that hope will get me through everything. Even when I’m at rock bottom, things will turn out alright. I need to stop letting negative thoughts ruminate in my head. Anxiety is one hell of a horrible thing but I can’t let it control me. Which is also why I’m taking the time to disconnect. Not only from social media but from everything and possibly even everyone just to be selfish every once in a while.

My life shouldn’t revolve around others. I’ve always been a firm believer in that if I’m with someone they’re an addition to my life not a necessity.

I tend to forget that sometimes and become overwhelmed with my own obsessions, if you will. So if I’m not there give me time. And while I’m on the subject of time, I need to give other people time. I seem to forget that others might need some time away from me as much as I may need time away from everyone else.

I know there are things I need to work on in regards to myself. Hardships happen, they’re a part of life. I need to learn that there are things that I can’t control. Until I learn how to fully accept that I don’t think I can ever be happy. So here’s to a journey of self fulfillment.

All I need to remember is there’s always hope. If my hope help me overcome the tough times then I’ll succeed in surviving and overcoming every obstacle.

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Anxiousness


Every now and then I’ll find my anxiety tends to get the worst of me. I’ve wanted to write about this for a while. While I don’t have clinical anxiety, my mind tends to jump from one conclusion to another. The best way for me to combat this anxiety that I face would be practicing mindfulness and being present. However, that’s particularly tough when your mind is constantly never in the actual present.

I do think one of the few things I can do is disconnect.

By disconnect, I mean stop myself from being present in all social media. The reason being that I give myself a mental break from everything that is out of my control. I need to focus on things that only I can control and not things I think I can control. If I can learn how to take a step back and breathe, then I can learn that I need to be present. Most of my anxiety roots from thinking about worst case scenarios in my head and thinking people might hate me. And it’s a horrible feeling, feeling like the whole world is against you.

While it’s something I struggle with from time to time, I’m going to actively try and fight these thoughts of negativity.

By this post I’m really putting myself out there as I don’t like talking about my personal battles. However, I do feel it’s necessary to talk about how not being present and living in your head CAN be harmful. I’m not saying those with general anxiety disorder can easily have their problems solved by this but it is a step in the right direction.

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Yet Again

It’s been ages since I’ve written in my blog. I promised myself that I would be more consistent with this. But alas, I was not true to my word. Bullet journaling is great if you can keep up with it. My issue was that I haven’t been great with my time management. I’m trying to figure out what works for me in that regard. I have however been working on writing portfolios and whatnot!

I’ve been meaning to work on my New Yorker blog and I should be doing that so maybe some time next week I’ll get on that too. As of now I’m still struggling with making time for things that help with my career. I’m almost done with one book and I’ll probably finish that by the end of this week too.

There was however, great news! I became published on Thought Catalog! And that was exciting hopefully I’ll be putting out more articles on there too!

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