Before I thought happiness was a burst of positive emotions that would only be for a small amount of time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s more a calm sensation that makes you smile every now and again. While happiness comes with the company one keeps, it shouldn’t be the only thing that defines it. In the past month, I’ve managed to come out a lot stronger than I thought I was. I also learned that no matter what, I have to retain my sense of individuality. I know where I make mistakes and that in itself is an accomplishment.

While our happiness shouldn’t rely on others, we fail to realize toxicity from others does affect our well-being in so many ways. There’s two types of negativity that people bring and I’ve learned to distinguish them by separating them into categories. The first type of negativity is when someone tries to put you down for no reason but to bring your spirits down. The other type of negativity isn’t negativity as much as concern where someone doesn’t want you to get your hopes down. The issue is that unless you’re putting yourself in life threatening situations it shouldn’t be a concern.

We only learn from life when we take big leaps without looking. And that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve managed to conquer my fear of heights and my next conquest is to learn how to dance. But on a more subconscious level my biggest conquest is to get over my anxiety of speaking about how I feel without worrying about what others think. I think that has been my biggest barrier with people.

While these problems may seem big at the moment, I know if I overcome them, it’ll lead to more happiness in my life.

I know that everything bad thing that happens can only be met by two reactions. To either stay stuck on something you can’t change or to learn from it. I used to dwell on things that weren’t in my control, which made me unhappy. Now I know that if I can’t learn from it or change it, then I have to move on. I can say that I’m the happiest I’ve been for a long time because I’ve learned happiness relies on myself. Even if it means I have to be a little selfish, I’ll take that chance. I know that when I do that, I’ll attract positive people in my life. In some pseudo psychological way, the law of attraction works in that regard.

Work hard and you’ll get what you deserve. Be selfish if you feel you’re not a top priority in your life. The saying is true that you can’t make everyone happy but you can make yourself happy.

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Emotional unavailability

If there’s one excuse I’ll never get, it’s the emotional unavailability excuse. It’s the equivalent to “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. To find out what it means, I looked it up on Google and Urban Dictionary.

According to Urban Dictionary, to be emotionally unavailable is to create barriers to make someone feel unloved/unwanted.

While this probably isn’t what it means to be “emotionally unavailable” in depth, it DOES speak of the affect it has. Saying one is “emotionally unavailable” is a way of not owning up to your true emotions.
Thing is these emotionally unavailable people are looking for a cop out. But would hate if someone did that to them. They fail to realize the key to success in relationships is commination.

The issue is, those who claim to be “emotionally unavailable” know what it is, an excuse.

These excuses will sabotage any chances at a healthy relationship in the future. They expect honesty and respect yet aren’t willing to give it to anyone either. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t work like that.
Emotionally unavailable people need to focus on not being in relationships unless they’re willing to be selfless. Being in a relationship means being selfless and caring about another person as an equal.
It isn’t to say be attached at the hip but care enough to be straightforward. Until they learn to stop shifting the blame for their shortcomings or indecisiveness, they should stay away from relationships. No one wants to feel discarded, so they should learn to treat others the way they’d like to be treated.

The TL;DR for this is, “emotionally unavailable” is an excuse instead of saying you’re not feeling it anymore. 

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I have been slacking hardcore on this blog!

I know that I was supposed to be updating this blog Monday through Friday. For the past week I have been unable to catch a break and now I’m finally free(ish). I need to get back on my bullet journal that I’ve been neglecting but I will look at it and get back on track.

So for the past week, I’ve just been booked straight, I had my last work week which prevented me from logging everything. I also had my last personal training session last week. For once that workout did not kill me but now I know how to hold proper form while exercising (which I feel is the problem with most workouts!). I had a Shawn Mendes concert Saturday night, despite the fact that the website said it was sold out I managed to somehow get tickets to the show! Shawn Mendes is SUCH a talented kid, I’m impressed with the amount of talent he has. He also inspired me to continue pursuing what I love, which is, writing!

You might not get the recognition you want right away but it’ll be worth it because you’re doing what you love. Then Sunday I saw Matilda, which was a great play by the way. Anyhow I have a bunch of drafts saved for the posts that I’ve been meaning to post, so they’ll be up soon after I edit them.

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I’ve been thinking about posting this for a long time and finally decided to do so. Now let’s talk about respect, a very necessary ingredient in any relationship (friendship, family or romance). From what I’ve observed is that while most people elicit respect in a familial or friendship level, very few do so with romance. While it isn’t obvious to the naked eye, there are minor signs where a person isn’t respected but we don’t see that until it’s too late.

Most people are so caught up in their perception of who the person “can be” rather than who they actually “are”.

We all tend to wear rose tinted glasses when we’re infatuated with someone. It’s also why once the “honeymoon stage” is over people tend to notice tiny behaviors they didn’t otherwise. We tend to gloss over unacceptable behaviors from people we care about because we want to believe they mean the best for us.

Behaviors that would be considered disrespectful are things like blaming a person for their emotional state or ghosting.

If there is respect, once you communicate your thoughts they will try to improve rather than shifting the blame.
Shifting the blame is the ultimate sign of disrespect. It means a person refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem that needs to be solved. However, in my experiences, it’s true respect must be earned otherwise others will abuse it.

If a person respects you, they will be straightforward even if it means that you’ll get hurt. While it may hurt, at least they value you enough to be honest with you. If there’s one thing to take away from this post is: without honesty or respect a relationship means nothing.

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I always thought it was only love if two people felt the same way about one another. I’ve learned that was bs.

I’m a passionate person, I’m not going to stop myself from feeling anymore. If it’s not crazy passionate, then is it worth it? I know how I want love and I want nothing short of intense. I tried to convince myself that the love I crave is rare. But why should it be? Who doesn’t want to feel someone wanting them the way they want them?

From this day on, I’m done settling for something that’s short of romantic.

Why should I let the world drag me down? I want to live life through the eyes of a romantic. I want to meet someone who feels the same way. Someone who will fight for love because if there’s one thing about this world is that no matter how much it sucks, Love is worth it. Everything can be mediocre but love shouldn’t be.

I want to love a person who has that mindset. That love should never be taken lightly that it should be the awe inspiring thing it is.
It won’t be about me alone though. I want to give my significant other the same amount, if not more, love than they can imagine. Love can’t be measured and one thing about it, is it’s the light of life. It keeps us going through our darkest days, it should never be something easily thrown out. And no matter how many times I get hurt, I’ll retain a lover’s spirit because the spirit of a lover resides in one element: hope. Hope is something that is a drug to me and I’m fucking addicted to it.

No matter how many times the world tries to take it from me, I’m going to continue searching for that something amazing. That feeling to receive and give without feeling cautious about if it’s too much or too little because there’s no set amount.

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Moments of Vulnerability

I’m an optimist, that’s something I probably don’t ever want to change about myself. Personally, it’s my optimism and endless amount of hope that keeps me sane. But with any positive trait there’s a few things to counteract it, for me it’s self doubt. I’d say my cynicism but that’s more a trait to bring me down to earth every now and again with reality. Can you be a cynical optimist? No idea, but if you can, I’m a prime example of one.

Anyhow back to the self doubt, there was a reason I wanted to deactivate my social media. The reason being that in human nature, we tend to compare ourselves to others and scrutinize where we are in comparison. It isn’t to say I’m not happy for those who achieve greatness because I really am happy for them. However, I start to wonder, when will it be my turn to get to where they are?

I know when I’m partaking in that behavior, the hard part is fighting the feeling. If I don’t fight the feeling, I’ll end up feeling horribly about where I am currently. The only way I overcome these feelings is reminding myself that everyone follows a different time frame in their life. And that when the time is right, everything will fall into place.

For now, I just have to step back and breathe to regain my train of thought in those moments.

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Bullet Journaling

If there’s one thing I’ve wanted to try it was bullet journaling.

Bullet journals always look phenomenal when I saw them online but I was terrified to try them out. I finally decided to give it a go when I saw this buzzfeed article. While the article from Buzzfeed was helpful, it wasn’t as helpful as bulletjournal.com. The website goes into detail as to what to do and how to manage a bullet journal from the actual creator of the system. Being someone who is constantly bogged down with a thousand things to do, I’m hoping this will help me manage.

If there’s anything I love, it’s creating lists for myself but that’s also how I stress myself out too. So I always end up feeling like I’m not doing as much as I’m supposed to even if it’s out of my control. My first attempt at de-stressing will be this bullet journal, shortly after I’m going to try my hand on meditation. I hear meditation helps immensely with mental clarity so I’ll see when I can find the time to do so!

One thing I love about the bullet journal system is the appearance of organization it gives. I do hope the key works and I actually end up utilizing this system for the most part. If by any chance that does happen, I’m going to put up snapshots of the journal and how it helped. Welcome September of productivity!

Anyway, the supplies I’m using for this bullet journal experiment is a Peter Pauper grid journal. The writing utensils I’m using will vary from Sharpie pens to Muji pens, which I LOVE.

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Before embarking on my disconnect from social media, I announced my disappearance just as a heads up. I was dismayed by the negativity I received. I ended up discussing that with my coworker, asking why people resort to negativity in the face of any change. He responded saying most people don’t want others to be happy. As much as I don’t want that to be true, I do think he’s right, most people are adverse to change and don’t want people to better themselves. It makes sense because if someone is doing better than them people either resort to one of the two options: 1) try bringing them down 2) try to improve themselves.

I will take it as a blessing as to who I should avoid in the future.

It hasn’t even been one day and I already know who to avoid. As time progresses with this transition I’ll learn my place with many friends and acquaintances. I do have to remind myself though, that this journey is for me, myself alone. I’m doing this so that I can grow a backbone and learn how to fend for myself. It isn’t to say I’m not going to be kind because that’s something I don’t think I can change about myself. However, I will be a little more guarded with my kindness because living in NYC (or anywhere for the matter), if you put others first they will abuse that power.

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Progress Logs and Whatnot

I’m going to be adding a progress log on this site to track what I’m up to, as I said before, I’m going to be adding most of my adventurous stuff on my other blog. If there’s anything that’s helping me through this transitional period of time in my life it’s my coworkers, few friends and my music. What prompted this disappearance was the song “Break The Sky” by The Hush Sound.

“Weight of days lost holding you down
You’ll look for me, but I wont be found
The blue birds flutter in my chest
Oh, they want to sing
You’ll have to break me open to hear anything
Before the world dies at my door

I’ll break the sky, for you and I are going no where
Kiss good-bye a dozen times before we give them
Why do I need anyone else?
When I can break the sky myself

Won’t be haunted by dreams I’ve deferred
Won’t set my heart frozen in amber”

The bolded lyrics in the song emphasize the effect I want to create and what I expect of myself. I need to learn how to pick myself up by the bootstrap and not worry about others. While I don’t know who is viewing this site or if it’s anyone I know, whoever you guys are, you’ll have an insight that others won’t have. I’m deactivating all my social media soon enough, I have all the phone numbers of the people I care about so it won’t matter if I continue using social media or not.

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Winky faces/emoji creep me out

So there aren’t many things that bother me, except winky faces. They are the epitome of creepy. I mean who uses a winky face in real life while talking to someone? Imagine how weird that would look if someone were to do that to anyone. Now I’m someone who hates the winky emoji because it’s just outright creepy. Imagine someone saying through a text:

Person: Hey


Person: Hey 😉

Ew. That’s cringe worthy in my opinion. See how a winky face changes the whole context of the sentence? A simple hey can become something that’s suggestive all because of an emoji. Now there are many other emojis people can use to be animated if they really wanted to be animated individuals like the smiley face. But the winky face? Nope, never. It’s just something that should never go in a conversation if one wants to be taken seriously.

Yes. I have a personal vendetta against that emoji, it might be because I’ve had way too many creepy online experiences where people think they’re being cute by using the winky emoji when they’re not. Look, I like people as much as the next person (which isn’t a great example because I’m pretty sure a lot of people don’t like people but I digress!) but these emojis just make things weird and awkward for the person receiving them. While there is one other emoji that bothers me: I’m talking about you, sticking out tongue emoji, that isn’t the issue at hand. My issue is that we must all boycott the winky emoji. Unless you’re all about openly creepy, in which case, by all means embrace your inner creep, you creep!

I want to say I know that you winky face users mean well, but in most cases, you really don’t so I’m not going to say that. What I will say is, remember every time you use a winky face to someone who is kind of a stranger to you, their “are you a creep meter” goes off. Keep that in mind every time you use a winky emoji.

If you choose to wink in real life, sure you’ll look a little weird but you’ll just come off as weird and not as creepy.

Save lives, don’t use the winky emoji.


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